


secure the burning sun

by lustdjh



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 18:42:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20511701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lustdjh/pseuds/lustdjh
Summary: dan fears the idea of fleeing his comfort when it is replaced with unease. he cannot come to terms with loving another man just yet.





	secure the burning sun

**Author's Note:**

> lowkey i'm pouring my heart into this because 98% of this is me, but i don't know how to make functional characters so i use dan*. also i might post a few ""chapters"" of this (we’ll see how that goes) and each one will quote a small section of 'howl (part I)' by allen ginsberg, so that's cool!!! i know this is messy, but if you read any of it thank you so much <3

to believe only what is in front of you and fear the unknown while praying for normality at the side of your childhood bed was not something abnormal to dan. 

———

11 – 09  
this body is not my own. these thoughts and feelings built under my ribs wrap around my veins; constricting. into my heart and my lungs and my stomach where they remain until they destroy me. 

———

to whisper to oneself that there must be more to life than this does not make it true. 

dan has yet to realize this.

while he sits in a bathtub in the house of someone he wishes he really knew, draining the blush-colored water, he begins to feel guilt. he defiled himself in a strangers bathroom as a way to force more feeling into life. 

but he had defiled himself on green and blue sheets and a dirt yellow couch. all with another man. so why must this feel different?

dan didn't want to believe it, but as he continuously spent money he no longer had, paid time he knew was thin and swallowed the fear in his lungs and his heart to meet with an older man to feel complete... dan knew he loved the man.

he really fucking wishes he didn't. 

their connection was new to dan. it was starving, raw, passionate and filled to the brim with infamy and unease. dan trusted this man more than anyone he has ever met before. 

he wishes he didn't. dan knew what this would result in. as different and new as it felt, he knew it was not any different. 

it was just another man.

and dan's mother would cry if she knew. dan's mother would not hesitate to show her concern. dan's mother was scared for him as though he was not scared for himself.

dan placed his pale, bare feet onto the off-white tile flooring in this strangers bathroom. his insecurities shown through the pockets of thick, hot air. 

dan had his head in the clouds.

cloth clung to dan's skin, soaking through the grey material and blackening it. he hid himself. he felt sick. dan did not answer when there was a knock on the bathroom door. he was too focused on the crimson seeping through his sleeve. 

fuck.

there was yet another knock and a call for dan's name, but dan was unable to rip his eyes from the small circles forming on his shirt. they looked like a dashed line. dan found a sickening comfort in it.

the older man opened the door hesitantly.

"dan you've been in here for a little while, i wanted to make sure you were okay," the man laughed away his paranoia.

he stared into dan's eyes, and the guilt washed over dan all over again. he tucked his arms down away from the man's view. 

"i'm okay," was all dan could muster.

"are you sure?" the man smiled at him.

"of course," dan smiled back, unable to read the mans eyes as the heated clouds fogged his glasses.

"do you want to watch wall-e again?" the man laughed, trying to hide his embarrassment from enjoying a child's movie.

"sure," dan wanted to cry. 

he didn't want to watch another movie. he wanted to sleep. he wanted to be home, but he couldn't leave this comfort. 

this was comfort he hadn't felt since he climbed trees when he was seven, and it had now crept its way back into his life. it didn't feel as good this time. it felt tainted.

dirty and insecure.

"okay, i'll get it ready," the man began to close the bathroom door, "you might want to put pants on," he shut the door, "you don't have to though." 

dan's heart fell to his stomach.

as soon as the footsteps had gone, dan traced the flower-shaped scar on his wrist with the pad of his index finger. he felt an electric buzz run through his finger, following up his arm through his veins and into his slow beating heart. 

he prayed to never forget this feeling. to keep this memory and to keep these thoughts secure in his mind. neglecting the odds of insanity as a result.

[ I SAW THE BEST MINDS OF MY GENERATION   
DESTROYED BY MADNESS, STARVING HYSTERICAL NAKED, ]

**Author's Note:**

> *this is no way shape or form meant to use what dan has gone through as a way to entertain. i love dan so much and would never want to do something as harmful as that. this story is honestly just a way for me to vent and get out what i've been through, but, like i said before, i cannot come up with my own characters for the life of me and dan and phil are the only people i feel comfortable writing about because they have shown their appreciation for their fans work before


End file.
